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For Real Quote of the Week:
"Now I want you to pay careful attention to this -- he's the PhD, and I'm the C student, but notice who is the advisor and who is the President."
President George W. Bush, one child who should have been left behind,
referring to Secretary of Energy Sam Bodman
World News
- New York City Invokes Eminent Domain to Acquire New Jersey
- "Buoyed by the Supreme Court's decision to expand cities' power of eminent domain, New York City filed today to acquire the state of New Jersey for commercial development."
- Iraqi Insurgents On Possible Amnesty: "We'd Totally Stop Attacking So Much"
- "The idea of offering amnesty to select Iraqi insurgents as a way to curtail insurgent attacks, first raised by the Iraqi government, is now an idea being discussed by U.S. officials as well, delighting the thousands of insurgents currently in Iraq and causing many to swear that they'd "totally stop attacking" if they were offered amnesty."
- Jacko Verdict Rocks the Globe
- "Reaction to the Michael Jackson verdict has taken a violent turn amid reports of anti-Jackson forces clashing with pro-Jacko extremists around the globe. Reporting live from Baghdad, Geraldo Rivera called the situation there "bad" and "dangerous" as he described a wave of looting, pillaging and baby dangling sparked by the news that America's most bizarre megastar was acquitted on four counts of "Beat It" with a minor."
- Chirac and Shroeder React To EU Poll Defeat
- "French president Jacques Chirac and Germany's Gerard Schroeder, were yesterday drawing the necessary conclusions from their stinging poll defeats."
- Bush Defends Respect for Koran, Wipes Ass With Constitution
- "Bush's personal toilet has been chiseled out of one of the oldest tablets displaying the ten commandments. Many groups have even come to the conclusion that unless their founding documents have been used to wipe Bush's ass, then they don't say anything important, meaningful, and sacred."
- White House Reviews Conyers' Downing Street Petition
- "White House Press Secretary Scott MClellan brought his big brother to the Friday press briefing and held it onboard Air Force One. That seemed to stop reporters from asking questions about the Downing Street Memo. The memo and other leaked British documents cast doubts about the credibility of public statements made by the administration before the Iraq war."
- George W. Bush Needs a Place to Do Illegal Things for God and Country: He Needs Guantanamo Bay
- "Lets get real Americans. We must keep a place like Guantanamo Bay open for business. The truth is in times like these we need a secret place where we can break US laws and flout the United States Constitution for the good of God and country."
- G8 Forgives Gordon Brown's Credit Card Debt
- "The Group of Eight (G8) Finance ministers, after meeting for a second day in London, reached a tentative agreement to forgive 100% of the debt owed by 18 countries. They have also agreed in principle to forgive all credit card debt for Gordon Brown, whose attempt to pick up lunch on Saturday for all 8 of the ministers at restaurant Sketch was foiled when his VISA card was rejected. "
- Republican Senators Pass Law Forcing New Trial for Michael Jackson
- "A group of Republican senators rushed to Washington in the middle of the night to pass emergency legislation to force a retrial in the recently concluded Michael Jackson child molestation case. “We have reason to believe that the jury made a terrible mistake in this case,” said John Cornyn (R-TX)."
- Cheney Offers to Transfer Detainees to His Underground Lair
Veep Fires New Salvo at Gitmo Critics
- "The debate over the future of the detention center at Guantanamo, Cuba, was ramped up another notch today as Vice President Dick Cheney offered to transfer all detainees held there to the secure undisclosed location he calls home. The vice president, whose underground lair is believed to be located thousands of feet beneath the earth’s crust, said that his subterranean home is well-equipped to hold thousands of detainees, adding that he would “relish the task” of interrogating them."
- US Outsources Iran Invasion to Iranian Military
- "Economists fretting over the snowballing US public deficit were given a fillip today, as the Department of Defense announced plans to outsource the bulk of its planned invasion of Iran to the Iranian military. All large-scale ground assaults, targeted missile attacks, journalist executions and prisoner humiliations will be farmed out to Tehran in a deal expected to save some 47 billion dollars, revealed Douglas J. Feith, Under Secretary of Defense for Policy."
Science and Technology
- Schiavo Was Sleeping, Concludes Church Autopsy
- "An official autopsy organized by the Catholic Priests for Life organization and performed on a clay approximation of Terri Schiavo's body revealed that the 41 year-old woman, previously believed to be in a coma caused by severe brain damage, was actually only sleeping, making her euthanasia a "huge mistake" according to organization spokesman Fr. Frank Pavone. The church autopsy, which flies directly in the face of the scientific medical autopsy also performed on Schiavo today that concluded half of Schiavo's brain was gone by using "mysterious scientific mumbo jumbo" and "Daemon scales", is the one Schiavo's parents are trusting and the "correct one", says Pavone."
- Schiavo Autopsy Reveals Media in Persistent Vegetative State
- "The autopsy of Terri Schiavo has confirmed that not only was Schiavo indeed in a persistent vegetative state, so too is the entire media that exploited her tragic death with sensationally executed overkill."
Business
- Compassion is Over-rated
- "A leading conservative economic think tank, ‘The New York Financial Institute’, today released a paper explaining why human emotions, particularly compassion and empathy, are over-rated and an unnecessary economic burden."
- Monster Thickburger Kills "Super Size Me" Director
- "Morgan Spurlock, the award-winning filmmaker behind the hit the documentary "Super Size Me," has died at the age of 34. Spurlock was on only the third day of shooting his latest documentary on the fast food chain Hardee's when he suffered a major heart attack and died instantly. "
Sports
- Army Now Denying that Pat Tillman Ever Died
- "U.S. Army officials who have been criticized in recent weeks over what appears to have been a cover-up of the circumstances surrounding the friendly-fire death of Pat Tillman last year, are now saying that Tillman never was killed at all – and is still serving happily and healthfully in Afghanistan."
Entertainment and Lifestyle
- Michael Jackson's New Top Ten 'Don't Do It Again' List
He's not going to be that bad any more...
- "Well, it seems that Michael has learned one thing from the trial... he isn't going to be sleeping in bed with boys any more... So, what else from the List of the Bleedin Obvious is Jacko not going to do again...?"
Cartoons
- Rewriting Reality
- Mark Fiore animation
- Healthcare Exposure
- Chuck Asay 'toon
- We Regret Your Mistake
- Tom Toles 'toon
- Goverment-Prescribed Opinions
- Ben Sargent 'toon
- Eminent Domain
- Stuart Carlson 'toon
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